United States of Convolution

Convolution (a coil or twist, especially one of many). Its true meaning has dawned upon me as I start settling down in the States. The United States of Convolution. The art of making simple things complex!

This rant is not one of frustration but of amusement. There are so many things great and beautiful about the US which I had read and heard umpteen number of times but I had never read or heard anything like this before. May be the people who experienced it before me solved it faster than I did or just ignored it at their own peril or I am just the one making an honest attempt!

• What better topic to discuss convolution in the US than visas and immigration! 

Anybody who has had the misfortune to be involved in the US visa process can attest to this. One of the most complicated, onerous and opaque systems in the world. If you are only a tourist, you could get away with just a 1 in 10 years pilgrimage to the consulate – and only if you are lucky to not require “Administrative Processing”. If you plan to study or work, your first assignment is to learn the alphabet soup of visas, their twists and turns, loopholes and exceptions. No immigrant to the US can be successful without a complete study of loopholes and exceptions. Just understanding the difference between a ‘visa stamp’ and ‘legal status’ can be daunting in itself. I know so many people who have not been to their home countries for years just because they dread going to the consulate to get a visa stamp. You may get denied or just be put in an administrative processing black hole! They are legal residents here with a ‘status’ but have expired visa stamps so won’t be able to re-enter in case they left. Isn’t that ridiculous?

If you are being sponsored for a ‘green card’ by your employer, you need to do masters in immigration law, your bachelors is assumed completed by the fact that you are here. There is a whole new set of convoluted subjects you need to master on how to change jobs, how to have a trip home by getting something called a ‘advanced parole’ etc. Detailed blogs are available; being an immigration attorney is a great career.

If there was a badge or a medallion in immigration law for the smartest aliens, Indians would be tops I suppose (yes non-citizens are called aliens in the US! - I remembered ET)

• Now that you made it past the borders, here’s your next convoluted challenge. Irrespective of how much money you have, what sort of job you do and whatever is your previous history of loans, credit cards, fixed deposits with banks around the world, you are an untrustworthy, subprime, ‘low credit score’ piece of s#!t. 

You aren’t eligible to get a contract phone, some rental housing is out of bounds and pay a huge deposit for the ones you are eligible, you should now get a secured credit card by putting down your own money (even if you had thousands of $ worth of credit limit earlier). Funny thing is after you have got your secured credit card (you put in say $500 to get a $500 credit limit), you should use only about 10% of that limit ($50) every month and pay it off for 6-7 months for the credit agencies to believe that you are good guy.

• You get your first pay check and there comes your next convolution challenge. Taxes. 

Yes, taxes are complicated in most countries but the US is special. At the beginning of the year you must decide whether you are going to file your taxes individually or together with your spouse. Why? The rate slabs are different and the monthly deductions (a.k.a. TDS in Indian parlance) need to be decided by your company. There is federal tax, state tax (some states have no tax) and even city taxes in some places. You need to know where you are working and where you are staying to decide what applies to you. You can save money on your commute by asking a third party to deduct some money before tax from your payroll and put it in a card. Then use that card to buy your monthly train pass. You can put aside money to use for medical care or child care before tax. If you don’t use that money, it’s forfeited so again you need to decide that at the beginning of the year. I am not even getting into deductions and exemptions here. Tax consulting is the second best profession.

• You have your first fever or your first back ache and you arrive at your next convolution challenge. Medical insurance.

Now this one is really special which to my Asian mind was unfathomable for so long. You pay for your health insurance and when you need medical care, your insurance pays full or part of it, simple? No. You will have to choose your deductible, co-insurance (co-pay), coverage and the corresponding premium options for your family at the beginning. Obviously all of the options have only one common denominator. You pay!  I am not sure how many people are able to figure this out in their first month here (that’s when you need to decide) and hence must be going with the default option.

Now the interesting part. When you visit a doctor, he/she would not tell you what their consultation charges are. You hand them over your insurance card and they will negotiate with the insurance company. You either pay your part (copay) or if you are on a high deductible plan, just wait for the bill which won’t come in for weeks! Imagine you are being X-rayed and MRI-ed and have no idea whether the next thing is going to be a heart problem after looking at your bill. I am told emergency treatment is bank wrecking, fortunately haven’t had that experience yet!

• Tired of convolution? Here’s more. You need a car in most places of the US and you need Auto insurance with that. Now that’s an interesting convoluted monster of a thing!

Unlike in India, auto insurance is FOR the driver AND the car, not only the car. So your auto policy applies to a car you rent as well as in part to a friend who drives your car. There is Bodily injury liability, Property damage liability, Basic personal injury protection, Uninsured motorist coverage, comprehensive coverage and collision coverage to name a few. Each of them covers only a specific category of loss and not the other. Studying this entire gamut of coverage, how much is required, how much is being unnecessarily sold is a vast study in itself. With numerous companies clamoring to sell you insurance at vastly different rates, the confusion only increases! And if you happen to shift your home to a different state, be prepared to repeat your study as state laws differ a lot! I am told, if you hit somebody and are sued in court for mental and physical trauma, you can get bankrupt with being made to pay up to whatever assets you have. Scary?

• Enough of duniyadari. How about shopping? Haha, convolution continues!

There is no maximum retail price (MRP) like the good old India so price of anything is anybody’s guess. Online and offline, the prices of stuff vary so much across merchants that one person could have a deal and another could get ripped on the same product at the same time. Inexpensive and deal shopping could be a favorite pastime. But it is only for the ones who can put in enough time to solve the convolution. Get those discount coupons from the Sunday newspaper, have that particular store’s credit card (every store has its own card!), go on a Thursday afternoon for a deal, outlet stores, check for discounts on account of being some company’s employee, some library’s member discount, search random websites for coupon codes, be in the overnight queue during Thanksgiving. The list is endless. Discounts are not for the lazy. Give shopping some respect! 

These are just the 6 biggest convolutions I have encountered. I am sure there must be more and I will be happy to update in case you read this till the end! Happy solving!